I went to see a therapist today. Her name is Amanda. There isn't much to say. She has brown hair and brown eyes I believe. She takes a lot of notes. She looks like she needs sleep. She looks like she depends on her coffee too much as well. She looks decently aged but she seems like someone that looks a lot older than they actually are. I wonder how long she's been a therapist... Maybe the years have gotten to her. Years and years of listening to people talk about their problems. She seems nice though. She isn't too judgemental. I can't tell her about what I did on May 10th though. I can't let her know, can't let her tell my mother. I don't want her to worry. I told her about May 6th though. I think she kinda views me as a whore now though. I mean, can I even count that as my first time? I sorta can... I guess... It depends on how you look at it. Yeah, I think I can. I mean, it's like having sex but having them finish in your mouth. I mean, we didn't really entirely have sex but it was enough to take my virginity I think... But I guess it all depends on how you look at it. She made a lot of noises. A lot of 'oooohhhhh's and 'aaaaaawwwwwww's and 'mmmmmm's and stuff like that. I did make her laugh a few times which is good. I'm going to see her again on the 8th. I'm definitly not as screwed up as I was a couple weeks ago or even last week. I think I have writing in my notebook to thank for that. Dylan too. The advice he gave me to always distract myself and never let myself be alone to think helped because when I think I have nothing to do-the times when I would just lay and listen to music or watch TV-I think, "You need something to do. What can you do? Dylan suggested go for a walk... You could do that tree thing he mentioned. That was kinda funny the way he said it. kinda reminded me of Dr. Doolittle when the dog was looking out the window of the car and kept saying, "Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree." That reminds me, I wanted to watch The Breakfast Club. I remember that Summer. That was a good summer..." and my thoughts go like that and then I eventually think of soemthign to do. But I haven't watched The Breakfast Club yet x3 Anyway, talking to Amanda wasn't really anything special. I mean, she didn't really give me anything to think about or give me any options on what to do. She just listened to me and made those noises and took notes. She also gave me "homework." I have to make a list of 20 things I'm good at and list a couple things I hope to improve on by going to therapy. I may post them on here. She said that Dylan was "slick" and that "he has a way with words." Nothing I didn't already know. She said Heidi was a snake and that made me laugh. I just wasn't expecting that from her x3 She also called Justin sly... Yeah xD I like the fact that she isn't just helping me with stuff like that. She's helping me with school, self acceptence, and stuff with my family too. I wasn't epecting that so much but I like that.
Dylan wasn't in school today. part of me wants to call him to see how he is because I know he is sick. But I know I shouldn't... Heidi seemed fine and dandy today though. I may have unintentionally stared her down behind her back though. I'm not happy with myself for that. I'm trying to be the bigger person but I dunno. When I saw her at her locker, all I could think was, "There she is. The girl that Dylan left me for. The girl that is better than me. The girl that took away the greatest thing that ever happened to me and in the process took the rest of me. She's the reason I don't feel whole anymore. She's the reason there isn't a light in my eyes anymore." But then I stopped and thought, "Stop it, Alyssa. She didn't do those things on purpose if at all. She's not at fault and neither is Dylan. Stop blaming everything else for what's your own fault." Then I thought, "But how is it my fault? All I did was love Dylan with all of my heart." Then I thought, "You let your guard down. You let him slip away. You weren't enough for him. Your fault. You, you, you. Stop this you cold hearted bitch." You wanna know something funny though? The voice that was blaming the others was my own, but the voice that was telling me to stop and that it was my fault was Dylan's. It was like a gust of frigid winding slapping me in the face when I realized that. I was told something at lunch though.I guess there is a rumor going around that Dylan and I agreed not to see other people. I dunno. Patrick told me and asked me about it. He also said that he asked Heidi if her and Dylan were going out and she said no but he also asked Lindsey and she said, "I'm not supposed to say anything." which is pretty much a, 'Yes, but it's a secret so I can't tell you.' So that's lovely. I wish people would realize that it's best if they're honest and DON'T keep stuff from me. Just, ugh. Sometimes I really hate people.
Justin is trying to weasel his way back into my love life picture. He even went so far as to sitting next to me this morning and hogging my attention when I was clearly talking to Elena. On Wednesday, when we were ont he field trip in New York, he was clinging to me. Coming up to me every five minutes at McDonald's to talk to me, linking arms with me as we were walking from the restaurant to the bus, hugging me tightly to keep me warm, sitting on my lap on the bus when we were stopped, and then, oh and then when we were getting off the bus. When we were walking on the bus to get off at the school, he shouted my name to get my attention so I would wait for him when we got off. He called me cute as soon as we got off. Hugged me really tight and then said, "I'm stealing you," and started to practically drag me to his car. Hitch made him stop, thankfully. Hitch is a really good guy. He hugged me for at least ten minutes straight because he was warm and I was freezing. Anyway, so then Justin, Hitch and I were talking and Justin says, "They gave me some really good advice on the bus." We asked what and he said, "They said I should try dating a cute girl rather than a whore." Hitch and I laughed and I said, "And that never occured to you before?" as a joke. Then I hugged them both goodbye and got in the car. When I got in, I sat and then thought. "Wait a second, did Justin just kiss my head?!" Yeah, Justin kissed my head last Wednesday. Then as I was thinking more, I made the connection of, "They told me I should try dating a cute girl," and "Alyssa, you're cute." and then I thought, "BBBBBBAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSS. No thank you. Not again. Already went down this road, not going back. I refuse to be played again. He's gonna waste his time. Nope, nope, nope. Not for me." So now he keeps flirting with me and I'm like, "lolno." but we're hanging out on Saturday at his house...wish me luck.
Noah hasn't really been talking to me lately and that's kinda upsetting me. I think I may be annoying him. I mean, all I've really been talking about to him lately is how shitty I feel about Dylan. I feel bad. I don't wanna annoy my best friend. I wanna ask him but I'm scared to. I miss him. I didn't talk to him at all today. I feel bad. :/ He probably doesn't want to hear about how shitty his best friend made his other best friend feel. Now to find a way to make it up to him... Hm... He also seems really stressed lately again... I'll ask him if somethign is up tomorrow and see how he's doing if he doesn't answer my texts. I'll apologize too. Maybe that'll help. I haven't talked to or seen Zach in awhile and I miss him too. He's a good guy. I dunno, Patrick and I were discussing having a party next weekend or something. We're inviting Zach if we end up having it.
I guess I should go do my homework...yeah, I probably won't but I need some way to end this post.
0 comments:
Post a Comment