May 24, 2011
His mind: Walk down the hallway. She turns the corner. "There she is..." Look away. She just looked at you. Look back. She's not looking at you anymore. Look away. Wait, she's looking at you. Look back! Ha! Caught her! Look at the misery in her face. She misses you. Smile, please just smile for me. Why'd she look away? Her lips just persed and she swallowed. Now she sighed. Dammit, she's stopping herself from crying. You could turn around... Grab her in your arms and hold her close. Protect her. Make her feel safe again. No. No, you can't. Not anymore. Plus, you need to get over her and you need to help her get over you. Didn't she say that she wanted you to talk to her to help her move on? She still loves you. She told you and you can see it in her eyes. Just go back. Turn around, tun back to her. Hold her close, cup her cheek, slowly lift her face up to yours and gently kiss those oh so familiar lips. No. Stop it, dammit. You can't do that to her, can do that to yourself, can't do that to Heidi. Heidi... I made my choice. I chose Heidi... I chose Heidi... Heidi.
Her mind: Turn the corner. "I wonder where Dylan is... Probably down with Heidi..." Oh! There he is. He's so cute. I miss him so much. Is he looking at me? He's looking at me. Oh, he just looked away. Stop staring at him. Wasit, is he looking at you again? Check really quick. Oh, he looked away again. He's just trying to get over you. Just like you should be so stop looking at him! He's looking at you again! Forget it, I'm staring at him. I miss those eyes, that hair, his hands, his arms, his heartbeat, his breathing, his lips... There he goes. Walking right past me again. Don't you cry, goddammit, don't you cry. You will be strong. Be strong for him. He needs to see you happy. Rememebr what he said on that Friday night? He couldn't live with himself if he hurt you. he didn't even smile at me... No offer for a high five... Nothing... Just a game of 'Look, Look Away,' as you walk right on by. Just three weeks ago he would've been waiting at your locker after class. Standing there smiling and waiting with warm, open arms. How much you would give just to have him hold you on his lap, stroke your hair, kiss your head and have him whisper in your ear, 'I love you.' How much I miss him laying on my bed, lighting up my room with a smile meant for me and sparkling blue eyes that watched me intently. I miss his presence near me and the essence of him when he's gone. Is Heidi really that much better than me? I just wasn't good enough. I'm never good enough. Always second best. Oh shut up, you winey little brat. You're only torturing yourself. Just stop thinking. Block it out. Go, go sing to Marissa. Go distract yourself from him and everything. Just, leave.
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